To be or not to be that is the question is uttered by Hamlet in William Shakespeare's famous play Hamlet. He makes this statement when he is trying to decide whether or not to kill himself. This quote is so apropos when making the decision to divorce or not. For ending a marriage, even if you are the one who wants to end it, is similar to going through a death.
Commonly divorces are messy, sad, hurtful, painful, and sometimes very nasty. If there are children involved, it is even worse. It is by far one of the most difficult experiences one can go through.
Therefore, the decision to get a divorce should not be made lightly, in jest, or in a fit of anger. It should only be made once you have tried absolutely everything possible to heal yourself and your marriage.
Couples usually end up at the point of considering a divorce because they erroneously believe, "If I get a divorce and get rid of him/her everything will be better." Or they may fantasize about the "perfect" spouse and how much happier they would be if could find that perfect one.
The problem with this thinking is that it is not taking into account that they are taking themselves with them! You see, until we face ourselves, look at what is really going on within us, and then heal those things, we will continue to end up unhappy. In fact, we will continue to blame our unhappiness on our partner, our job, our kids, or our life.
The truth is that there is not a person (no matter how great they are and how much they love you), a place, or a thing outside of yourself that will "make" you happy. Happiness is a state of being that can only be "made" by one person you.
When I am working with couples contemplating divorce, I highly recommend to work on themselves while staying in the marriage before they make this life altering decision. I help them understand that running away from the marriage or their spouse is not the answer. For if, they do not "deal" with themselves first, they will end up picking the same type of partner and end up in the same position down the road.
Once this has been done— meaning each person has worked on themselves we then move onto addressing and healing the issues in their marriage. Some of the more common issues include old resentments, a lack of forgiveness, poor communication skills, and the lost emotional and physical intimacy in their relationship.
The majority of times, once we do this, their marriage is on an amazing healing journey and they are no longer considering divorcing.
In the rare case that a couple decides there is no way possible their marriage can work, then we focus on ending the marriage with dignity, respect, and honor. We address and go through the process of grieving and healing which is necessary to move forward in a healthy way.
If there are children involved, we also focus on shifting the marital relationship into an effective and friendly co-parenting relationship. This way the children are protected as much as possible and damaged as little as possible. This is incredibly vital for it is more so the children who are most negatively affected by the divorce — even if they are not outwardly showing it.
If you find yourself in this position with your marriage and want help to either save your relationship or end it with as little damage as possible reach me here and I will help you.