Bree on The Huffington Post JUNE 2012
What To Do When Your Man Walks Out On You
Your heart was fully in it, you were tied to him emotionally and physically, and now he is gone. If you are like many other women, this may cause you to end up in the fetal position in a pile of despair.
The time immediately following a breakup can be filled with a myriad of uncomfortable and painful feelings from shock to rage and everything in between. However, with the right steps, you can come through the experience a better, wiser, stronger and even more beautiful woman.
The first step to getting through this successfully is to know that living without him is possible. This may seem like a simple cliché but it actually is quite important. This step begins by understanding that the pain you're feeling will eventually pass. Initially, it may seem as if you will never feel happy or love again. In this initial stage, seeing blissful couples and hearing love songs will only exaggerate your heartache. You may even cry for days, weeks or months, but the pain and tears will stop. Knowing this helps you to gracefully move through it instead of getting stuck in it.
The second step is a time of allowing. In this stage, you willingly give yourself permission to grieve. The grieving that needs to occur is over the loss of him, the relationship and the picture you held of your future together. The four stages of the grieving process are denial, bargaining, anger and acceptance. The wonderful thing about this process is that it is naturally occurring. However, if you stop this process by diving into a new relationship, drinking, shopping or working overtime to avoid your feelings, you circumvent your healing from the breakup. Therefore, it is vital that you allow yourself to feel your feelings, process through them and complete the grieving process.
Step three involves what I like to refer to as "going to the truth." In any life or relationship experience, the truth will always lead you to the right path. The truth in this situation is that if he left, he is not your Mr. Right. That deserves repeating for in its simplicity. Freedom from the pain can be found. He is not the man for you because if he was, he would still be in your life. Yes, there are couples who need time apart to heal and grow in order to come back together. Even if this is the case for you, at this moment right now, he is not the right one. Wrapping your mind around this truth will set you emotionally free to grow, heal and move forward.
The fourth step is one of incredible opportunity, for it's a time of self-reflection. To accomplish this stage you must honestly look at yourself, your relationship and any role you may have played in your man leaving. Even if he is afraid of commitment, you now have the chance to discover why you attracted such a partner into your life in the first place. Perhaps he left because he felt he could never please you or that you were too demanding. In either case, there's room here for you to attain positive personal growth. This step takes a great depth of character and courage, as it is never easy to look at ourselves and admit there is work to be done. Most would rather blame the other person and continue on in a state of self-delusion or rationalization. However, the more in-depth and seriously you take this step; the better off you will be in the long run.
As you become aware of what needs healing within you, be sure to do so with love and gentle care. This is not the time to beat yourself up or feel remorse, guilt or shame, as these feelings keep you stuck in a negative cycle. It is, however, a time to get to know yourself on a deeper level and heal those parts of you that are holding you back from having the right partner and relationship.
Finally, as you move through all these healing steps, you come to the place of renewal. This is the time to breathe new life into you and your life. This is an empowered place as you can create the beautiful life that is right for you. You can choose to fill your days and nights with experiences that bring you genuine joy, happiness and peace. Actually, this has a dual positive affect on you and your life. You see, when you create your life the way you want it to be, you are allowing personal fulfillment and happiness to come in. As well, you are naturally opening the door for your real Mr. Right to walk through. Your new open door will reveal a whole, complete, happy and thriving woman, instead of a broken, battered and bruised one. You simple make the choice in this step to empower yourself and become all you are meant to be.
Having a man walk out on you is never easy. However, you have the choice to look at his leaving as a tragedy or a blessing. If you see it as a blessing, you will allow yourself to grow and heal. You take all of the good and leave the rest behind. You forge ahead to a stronger, healthier, and more thriving life. A far better choice to make than staying on the floor crying in the fetal position over a man who is not right for you anyway!